


Hey. I'm Here. It's Me.

by Iamablobfish



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, M/M, Slow Burn, dont know if i'll add any more after this, post relationship, sonny owns a lighthouse because why not, the situation is complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-19 22:01:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17010027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamablobfish/pseuds/Iamablobfish
Summary: Sonny runs off after Mike's funeral, and Rafael runs after him.





	1. Chapter 1

Rafael's car stopped about a hundred yards away from the lighthouse, and he looked out of the window suspiciously. There was no way that this was his destination. This Uber driver was definitely going to kill him, and no one would ever know what happened to him. 

Before he could say anything, the driver turned to him. "This is it. That'll be 42.38." He said, voice gruff. Alright, maybe he wasn't going to kill him. 

"Do you know anything about the guy that lives here?" Raf asked, fishing out his wallet and digging through it for a 50. If anyone other than Sonny opened the door, he didn't know what he was going to do. Other than be murdered. 

"Not much, nice guy though. Doesn't come into town often." He said, taking the money and nodding to himself. "Why? Isn't he your friend or something?" He asked as Rafael got out of the car, and Barba shrugged. 

"Or something. Thank you for the ride." He said, closing the door behind him to signal that he was done talking about it. That was when he turned to face the building, taking it all in. It was huge even from where he stood, and he could only imagine what it would look like up close. There was a little house connected to it, with smoke coming out of the chimney. So that meant he was home. Or at least, someone was. 

He pulled his jacket tighter around himself as the wind blew a little harder off the ocean, regretting the decision not to bring a heavier jacket with him. He began the trek up the gravel driveway, briefcase and backpack slung over his shoulder. He debated briefly turning back, but quickly pushed that thought away. There was no way he was going home without Sonny.

Rafael knocked a short, almost irritating noise that made him think twice about his attitude. He was cold, and he wanted to go inside where he hoped that it was warm, and he had to walk all the way over here from the road. He took a deep breath, and when there was no answer, he knocked again. More calm, although he made sure it was louder in case Sonny wasn't near the door. He had his hand raised to knock a third time when the door swung open. He dropped his hand quickly, looking up at Sonny. God, he had forgotten how tall he was. 

He stared into those striking blue eyes for a minute, and they stared back. He was here, in front of him, after nearly two years of no contact. No one had heard from him, and some people even thought maybe he was dead. But he was here, right in front of Rafael. As if he'd never left. Well, almost. 

He opened his mouth to comment on the absolute ridiculousness of his hair, hanging below his ears, and the relatively full beard that he'd let grow. It was good, he looked good. He was stopped short, however, by that ever familiar Staten Island accent interrupting him. 

"What are you doing here?" Oh, that voice nearly killed him. Usually it was so lighthearted, but he just sounded so... sad. So rough, as if he'd been sitting in this house for two years not talking to anyone. And Rafael tried to ignore the anger buried under all that sadness. He wasn’t here to fight him.

"What, you're not going to invite me in from the cold?" He asked, a small teasing smile on his face. As if to say... 'Hey. I'm here. It's me. I haven't changed'.  
"If you think that this is cold, I hope you're not planning to stay very long. Winter in Maine can be brutal." He said, stepping to the side just enough to let Rafael in, closing the door heavily behind him. He kept his arms crossed over his chest, guarded in a way that he hadn't been before he’d come out here. The way he moved... as if all the nervous, conscious energy had dripped out of him. It was scary, how he seemed not to care anymore. 

"What are you doing here, Counselor?" He asked, watching as Rafael stripped himself of his jacket, hanging it on the rack by the door along with his bags. 

"Not 'Counselor' anymore, actually." He said, as if it were nothing, not looking at him. "Just Barba. But I remember a time when you used to call me Rafael unless you've forgotten."

"You're dodging my question, Rafael." He said, giving an inch but withholding a mile. The fact that he didn't ask why Rafael had quit told him nothing and everything at the same time. Either he didn't care, or he'd been reading about it in the newspaper or watching it on the news. What Sonny must be thinking about him... he didn't want to know. "You can't come all the way from Manhattan and not give me an explanation." He continued, sounding firm. Rafael spared him a glance, looking very guilty. He came here with a goal, he might as well not beat around the bush. 

"I think you should come home." He said matter-of-factly, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, hoping he appeared more confident than he felt. He pictured himself for a minute through Sonny's eyes, a disgraced prosecutor who had lost all of his confidence and charisma when he lost his title. It was stupid for him to come here like this, looking the way he did. Lying about his intentions. 

Sonny snorted incredulously, giving his head a shake and disappearing through a doorway that led to the kitchen, something Rafael discovered as he hurriedly followed behind him. 

"I'm serious, you know. You think people don't miss you? Don't think about you?" He asked, watching as Sonny pulled a beer out of the fridge. He opened it and took a small sip, although the action seemed more from nervous energy than anything else. Good, Rafael thought, more like himself. Normal Sonny, who always needed something to do with his hands. 

"I try not to think about it at all, Rafael. Hence moving away to the last place I would have to." He said, sounding irritated.

Rafael opened his mouth to argue but quickly shut it at the look on Sonny's face. He wasn't actually annoyed or irritated with him at all. Despite his best to keep up appearances, he was gripping the beer bottle between his hands as if he were holding on for dear life. He had turned away from him, keeping his eyes lowered to the ground. 

Rafael, for once in his life, decided not to argue. 

"I... fine. We don't have to talk about it. I..." He sighed, running a hand over his face. "Sonny, I don't know if you want me here, or even if you know about everything that's happened since you left but... I'm..." 

"Why don't you make yourself at home, Rafael. Stay the night, or the weekend if you'd like." Sonny interrupted him, blue eyes staring at him again. "And... don't argue. From the looks of it, you were planning for an overnight trip anyways. I wouldn't want to let you down." He said, taking a small sip of his beer purely because he didn't want to make any more eye contact with him. 

It took everything in Rafael's body not to decline, assure him that it was fine and he could get a hotel or something. But... it had been two years. He missed the Detective, or... former Detective. Who knew when he would see Sonny after this?

"I... fine. I mean, yes. That sounds nice, actually. I would really love to... catch up. For old times' sake."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael and Sonny are still awkward around each other, despite Raf's best efforts.

Rafael woke up and made his way through the house, pulling on a hoodie to stave off the cold but too tired to pull any socks on. So, he padded into the kitchen barefoot, expecting to have to make his own coffee, but Sonny was there waiting for him. He was surprised, to say the least, considering this was a man that would routinely sleep through his alarm, but he decided not to mention it.

He pushed the coffee to Rafael, a small smile on his face. "Figured you'd be up soon. You never could sleep in very much." 

Rafael rolled his eyes, although he took the mug from him gratefully, having a sip to test the temperature. "Unlike someone I know." He said, giving Sonny a side-eye. 

Sonny was only quiet at that, tapping his fingers on the counter quietly while Rafael continued to drink his coffee. After a minute, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned more fully against the counter. “I don’t know what you were hoping to do today, I gotta walk around upstairs and make sure that everything is running okay, but I’ll be back down in a little bit if you… wanted to do something.” 

 

“What exactly is it that you’re supposed to do?” Rafael asked curiously, and Sonny shrugged. 

“Well, everything is automated nowadays, so I just have to check the computer that runs everything, and it will tell me if there’s anything wrong with the system. And if there is, I let to Coast Guard know. But, they’ve been teaching me how to do some small stuff, so considering how busy they are and what the problem is, they might let me handle it. Sometimes I give tours, but it’s not exactly the season for it at the moment.”

“So what I’m hearing is that you’re a glorified tour guide.” Rafael teased, and Sonny looked away, only the ghost of a smile on his face. “You’re really moving up in the world, Carisi.”

“Hear what you want. But when the lamp explodes and someone has to radio in for help because it’s raining glass, I’ll let you worry about it.” Sonny said, laughing a little bit, but Rafael’s eyes widened at the comment.

“Please tell me that’s not something that will happen.” He said, and Sonny laughed again, causing Rafael’s face to contort a little in embarrassment and anger. 

“No, I’m pretty sure that has never happened for the entire time lighthouses have existed.” He said, standing up straight and heading out of the kitchen. “There’s not much for breakfast, but I’ll make a trip to the store later today. In the meantime, help yourself to whatever you find, okay?” He said, patting Rafael on the arm as he passed by. His hand lingered for just a minute, along with his smile, before he disappeared to the other side of the house where the door to the control room was, closing it behind him. 

Rafael turned to follow his path with his eyes until Sonny disappeared behind the door. Sonny had touched him for the first time in two years, and it was stupid to think anything more about it but it was yet another reminder of how much he had missed the other man. The lawyer in him, always the pessimist, couldn’t help but realize that as soon as they began getting friendly again, Sonny had shut the conversation down. Rafael didn’t understand why he couldn’t seem to relax around him like he used to, but asking about it would almost definitely get him kicked out into the cold weather. He would just have to wait until Sonny was ready. 

The man himself reappeared around lunch time, running into Rafael in the living room. He looked a little shocked to see Raf still in the house, but if he had any issues with it he didn’t say anything. 

“Is everything okay? With the computer?” Rafael asked, pointing to the control room and closing the book he had been reading. He made a note, though, that all of the books lining the living room shelves were law books. The television was dusty but the bookshelves looked used for the most part, which meant that Sonny was still thinking about the law even if he wasn’t practicing it. 

Sonny nodded in response to his question, shoving his hands into his pockets awkwardly.

“Uh, yeah. Everything’s fine. Why do you ask?”

“You were gone… for a good couple of hours. I know that house is big but… not big enough to hide you for that long. Do you normally spend a lot of time in there?” He asked, and Sonny’s cheeks reddened at being called out, and if he were aware that Rafael might as well have been interrogating him, he didn’t show it.

“There’s a… there’s a radio. In the room. Well, there are a couple radios. I was listening to the Mets game.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. It seemed like he didn’t want to admit that he was doing anything related to New York, probably not wanting to bring up any portion of his old life for fear that Rafael would keep trying to talk to him about coming home.

“There are some things you just can’t live without, I guess.” Rafael said with a shake of his head - sports were never something he necessarily paid attention to, but Sonny had always followed them closely. It came as no surprise that he was still finding ways to enjoy it out here. “You probably could have… watched it on the television if you really wanted to, though.”

“There’s nothing but local channels, getting a satellite dish to work out here might as well be impossible and I thought it might be better if… I focused on myself instead.” He answered, shifting awkwardly. 

“Well, that’s nice.” Came Rafael’s reply, after a moment of hesitation. “Well… don’t feel like you have to hide, I probably wouldn’t mind listening with you. I am here to see you, after all.” He said, giving him a small smile. 

“Oh, come on, I know you don’t like baseball. I wouldn’t make you do that.” He said, scratching the back of his head. 

“Hey,” Rafael said, pointing at him teasingly. “You don’t know, I could have gotten really into it. I could be their number one fan, now.” He paused. “But, seriously. I really do want to spend time with you. Even if it’s just listening to baseball on the radio.” He said, and Sonny nodded. 

“I really appreciate it.” He said, smiling back at Rafael for what seemed like the first time, and Rafael thought his heart was going to explode. “It’s really nice to have you here, Rafael. I know it’s… been a while since we’ve seen each other so I might be a little… rusty on my social skills. But I’m happy to see you.”

Rafael nodded, smile growing. “It’s good to see you too, Sonny.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really slow going, I'm so sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Let me know if you have any questions or comments at: i-am-a-blob-fish.tumblr.com


End file.
